I went for a run yesterday, and then I remembered that I didn’t have any food, so I hopped on my bike and went to the shops. (I stupidly listened to my little sister’s incessant mocking of my glorious Iceland purchases, so spent thousands of pounds in Waitrose instead).
Waitrose at 8.30pm is an odd and dangerous ecosystem. For a start, you enter at the fruit section. Now, I’m not anti-fruit. I’m not even on-the-fence about fruit. I like fruit, and I think people should eat it.
But, unless you are a fruit fly or Gwyneth Paltrow, the main thrust of a supermarket visit is not for the fruit. Nevertheless, Waitrose makes you start there.
I chucked a couple of bananas and some grapes (the grapes came in packets- they weren’t just rolling idly around on the bottom of my basket-though I believe I did see someone try to jiggle a grape free from its packet and into their mouth) into my basket, and moved away from the fruit.
The next thing I knew, I was freezing.
I was standing in front of the type of freezer conglomeration more usually found in a cryogenics lab, trying to work out which food it was that retained all its vitamins if it was frozen, but lost them all if you ate it fresh. After wavering uncertainly for a few, icy moments, I plumped for the danish pecan pie.
The rest of the trip was an exercise in ignoring the fabulously well-dressed and attractive other shoppers, who were apparently filming some sort of Waitrose sponsored romantic-comedy.
(I refuse to believe that anyone goes to the supermarket for a baguette, some camembert, champagne and truffles. Where is the toilet roll? Do people not realise how quickly bin bags get used up?)
I hunted down a kindly Waitrose employee to discuss at length where one would put popping corn, while he subtly tried to squirm away from my well-reasoned and logical analysis of this conundrum.
I returned home at last, whereon I discovered that, irritatingly, bananas are heavy enough to squash grapes, and frozen pecan pie does not stay frozen for the entire length of a popping corn logistics debate.