Decoding online dating profiles

As I mentioned before, because of a terrible fear of missing out, I’ve joined a free dating site. One of the best things about this is that all its members are asked to fill out an online ‘profile’. You answer exceptionally pertinent and carefully chosen questions such as ‘what would be the first thing people notice about you?’ and the site finds your soulmate. 

The only flaw with this otherwise infallible system is that other people lie. Luckily, I am terribly good at ‘reading between the lines’.

‘I am a easy-going, sociable guy who likes going out and having a good time’, someone will write. ‘How pleasant,’ You might think. You are an idiot.

‘Easy-going‘- no-one who is genuinely ‘easy-going’ would ever think to write this about themselves. This chap is either so tightly wound he makes OCD look relaxed, or he is so lazy he has his take-away delivered to his neighbours, so he doesn’t have to get up to sound the buzzer. Avoid.

‘Sociable‘- you’re looking for love on the internet.

‘Likes going out and having a good time‘-is incoherently drunk by 10pm, spends rest of the evening wandering around looking for a kebab shop and weepingly telling strangers he loves them. Avoid until he locates kebab shop.

I, personally, have taken a slightly different approach to my own profile (total views: 4)

Looks: I am in possession of all my original body parts, which conform to the usual human arrangement (head, limbs, feet etc). A few years ago, I thought I was going bald, but I haven’t, so that’s nice.

Traits: I wee in the shower, and leave the top off the toothpaste so it crusts over. I replace the toilet roll properly (throwing the old one away, putting the new one on the holder), and don’t put the milk back in the fridge with only one sip left in it. I steal the duvet.

Looking for: Someone who will bring me a glass of water when I’m hungover, lets me have all the duvet and laughs at all my jokes. (Even the rubbish ones).