Lady Gaga is to be featured on an episode of The Simpsons. I have often wondered how I, personally, would cope with being Lady Gaga. ‘Would you come on tour with me?’ I asked an ex-boyfriend. He was confused, because we were at McDonalds and I had not explained that in this scenario, I was Lady Gaga.
I soon realised that I would become very weary with someone on my tour bus who needed to have everything explained to them. Also, he was eating all my chips. ‘I think I will get a tour boyfriend,’ I told him abruptly. He was less concerned about this than I would have hoped. ‘Why are you not concerned about this?’ I asked him shrilly.
(McDonalds is an excellent setting for a furious row. Its yellow and red colour scheme really helps to inflame things, and the Happy Meal toys are perfect for lobbing at other people’s heads). ‘Well,’ He explained carefully. ‘You’re not Lady Gaga.’
He was right, but that hasn’t stopped me. Here are some of the things I worry about (when I am Lady Gaga):
1. My The Simpsons character will be bested by Lisa Simpson.
2. On tour, I will come onto the tour bus late, be forced to sleep on the top bunk, roll around and fall out.
3. Just before I go on stage, I will have the same urgent need to go to the loo as one gets before long movies and exams, and my back-up dancers will start the dance routine without me. Then when I finally get on stage, I’ll be horribly confused.