Shoe the Keyhole

‘We’ll be at your house about 5pm on Friday,’ She said. ‘Bring booze,’ I told her. But it didn’t start there. We’d been at the same party, although I’d only bumped into her on the stairs as she was leaving the toilet. But that wasn’t when it started either. We met for the first time at a very nice restaurant. Perhaps it started there.

I had made fairy cakes. I had gone to Sainsburys (the big one, up the road, not the little Tesco express around the corner) and bought those little coloured stars made of sugar to sprinkle on top of them.

I had made fairy cakes, and washed my hair. They were coming at 5pm.

At 2pm I panicked, and forced two of my girlfriends to come over. ‘You’re doing what?’ One asked. ‘Look,’ I replied crossly. ‘I can’t talk about it. Are you in or not?’ My first girlfriend arrived at 4.45pm. ‘I can’t get the front door to open,’ I said urgently. ‘Just let them in the back door,’ She suggested. ‘Are you mad?’ I asked shrilly. We went up to try to force the lock. ‘What are you doing?’ My second girlfriend asked as she arrived. ‘The bloody lock’s jammed,’ I told her. ‘You two must fix this.’ They didn’t. They were coming at 5pm, and I was going to have to let them in through the back door.

‘Stop eating the fairy cakes,’ I snapped at my friends. ‘They’re not for you.’ I opened the fridge anxiously. ‘And drink less juice,’ I ordered them. ‘I’m going to run out.’ I started peering nervously through the window. ‘There’s a man out there with a camera,’ My friend pointed out. ‘Shut up,’ I snapped at her. ‘No, but honestly,’ My other friend chimed in unhelpfully. ‘You should probably let him in.’ At this point I’m near hysteria. ‘I am not letting a random chap with a camera into my house through the back door,’ I shout at my friends. It occurs to me that he can see me. I stop waving my arms so flamboyantly. They were right of course. It was 5.15pm, and I should probably have let him in. Because the director arrived pretty soon after that, and I had to let them both in then.

We were filming a spot for the new shoe and handbag site from They had hand-picked a selection of influential, fashionable people to do little ‘Shoe The Keyhole’ video spots, talking about their own shoe collections and how they had accumulated them. ‘And they asked you,’ My friend added helpfully. ‘And you made fairy cakes and let them in through the back door.’ I wondered if I were now famous enough to ask her to leave. ‘Talk about that time you thought you could walk in slingbacks,’ My friend prompted me as we started filming. ‘Or when you bought those ‘sex heels’ for a dirty weekend. And fell over seductively in the middle of Selfridges.’

As my friend continued jabbering away during my shoot, I realised why is going to be so successful. People can buy the shoes they want, for any occasion, without having to go out shopping. And they never need to tell anyone about it.

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One response to “Shoe the Keyhole

  1. Pingback: Mission Public Relations | JAVARI.CO.UK GOES ‘SHOE THE KEYHOLE’ WITH LUCY KARSTEN

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