‘I’m going to be a kids’ TV presenter,’ I tell my friend proudly.
There is silence on the other end of the phone. ‘Are you jealous because I’ve thought of an awesome new job for myself?’ I ask politely. ‘Um,’ My friend replies. ‘You shouldn’t be a kids’ TV presenter.’ I am shocked and appalled. ‘Why ever not?’ I ask indignantly. ‘Um,’ My friend dithers nervously. ‘Well, honestly? You’d try to compete with the kids. And that’s not the idea.’
‘Of course I wouldn’t compete with the kids,’ I reply. ‘There’d be no competition whatsoever. They’re kids. I’d beat them at everything.’
I begin to list all the things I’m better at than a kid. ‘Running, one-liners, breathing through my nose rather than that infuriating mouth breathing kids do, sitting on chairs and my feet touching the ground, downing drinks, remembering complex philosophical arguments, looking people in the eyes, remembering my gloves,’ I could continue, but my friend interrupts me. ‘Yes,’ She says slowly. ‘That’s pretty much my point. That’s the thing about kids’ TV shows- they’re meant to be about the kids.’ ‘Oh,’ I reply. ‘Yes, I wouldn’t like that.’ It’s back to the drawing board- but panic not. I’m pretty sure quite soon I’m going to land upon my perfect job. Luckily it’s the perfect economic climate for new employment opportunites. (Ooh- that’s another one- ‘making politically topical jokes’).