Visiting my little sister

I’ve agreed to go visit my little sister. ‘Lucy!’ she yells excitedly down the phone. ‘I have the best thing to do for your visit! It sounds weird, but just listen.’ I wonder if my train tickets are transferable. ‘And then we’ll sleep there, and then go to the grandparents!’ My little sister continues. It seems she has been talking while I have been on the Virgin train website. I decide to bluff my way out. ‘Great,’ I say neutrally. ‘OK!’ My little sister shouts. ‘So just transfer the £34 to my account, and it’s all sorted! Brilliant!’

We hang up, and I wonder if she’s been helping herself to the medicine cabinet whilst on her hospital rounds. I also wonder what on earth we are going to do. Because if my little sister thinks it sounds weird, I’m in trouble.

This is a person who spent 4 months of our childhood crawling around the floor pretending to be Conrad the cat. Once she went out without any knickers, a fact which was only noticed when she hung upside down on the jungle gym. A pet bird once died in her room and was discovered weeks later, rotting gently in an enormous pile of soft cuddly toys. She has been known to do the underwater dance move non-ironically.

(You hold your nose and pretend you’re underwater. It was big in the 1960s). I’ll let you know how it goes. (If you do not hear from me by Wednesday, please send help).

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