How my friend ruined Halloween

I woke up yesterday exceedingly happy. I bloody love Halloween. I’m trying very hard not to be self-centered, but it’s hard not to see it as a holiday made just for me. It’s an evening where everyone else can see the truth in what I’ve been saying for years- there are few things better than strangers giving you sweets. (I stand behind this resolutely. Free stuff is always great, and free stuff you can put in your mouth is even better. Remind me to tell you about the time that girl gave me an ice lolly in a nightclub toilet. Raspberry, in case you were wondering). I often think that I should use Halloween as a pitching opportunity for my slogans, ‘It’s sweet? Let’s eat!’ and ‘If it’s free, whoopee!’ (I’m not really cut out to be a primary school teacher, so this could be one of my only opportunities to help the children).

I called my friend. ‘Morning! I’m going to put my shoes on my knees and walk around like a dwarf,’ I told her gleefully. My friend says nothing for a moment. ‘Sounds tricky,’ she says finally. ‘And um, why?’ I laugh. ‘For trick or treating!’ I inform her. ‘Do you have any actual children?’ she asks dubiously. I am affronted. ‘Of course I don’t have any children.’ I say. (I quietly make a note to double-check last year’s Christmas newsletter. Perhaps there has been some dreadful misunderstanding). ‘OK,’ my friend begins. ‘You are too old to go trick or treating if you’re not accompanying any children. It’s creepy.’ ‘Of course it’s creepy!’ I reply delightedly. ‘It’s Halloween! That’s the idea! Anyway, taking children trick or treating is infuriating. They walk too slowly, and they need to go to the loo all the time, and you have to make sure they cross the road safely, and it’s all terribly inconvenient.’ My friend is unconvinced. I decide not to tell her about my helpful slogans. I wander around my kitchen putting my finger into various spices my grandmother has given me. Nutmeg is the best. I pick up the jar, get distracted and spill nutmeg all over my counter. This is the worst Halloween ever.

I call another friend. I call my neighbour. I do a quick Google search. I can’t seem to find anyone who thinks adults should go trick or treating. I practice walking on my knees, just in case. My friend was right. It is tricky. I think of another slogan. ‘Feet: better for walking than your knees.’ I hope my friend realises how much the children are missing out on. I guess I’ll just have to wait for Easter.

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