My new friend

I have lunch with my new friend. I am very proud of my new friend, who is highly accomplished and also very hot. I call my other friend to show off. ‘I’m having lunch with my new friend tomorrow,’ I tell her smugly. ‘Oh god,’ she replies. ‘Try to be less weird than you were when we all met her on holiday.’ (I met my new friend on holiday. I think this is excellent, because we got to immediately spend hours and hours together. I could tell her many things). I ignore the petty jealousy of my other friend. I turn up for lunch. My new friend is a pediatrician, so we have arranged to meet by the hospital gift shop. I am flicking through a book when she arrives. ‘Now,’ she says firmly. ‘We know stealing from the hospital is bad. Put the book back, and we’ll go for lunch.’ (My new friend is so funny. And also ethical).

We go to a café for lunch. We are having a lovely time. I remember that I need to take some medicine, so I pull out my Calpol and swig from the bottle. My new friend stares at me. ‘What are you doing?’ she asks. ‘Oh, yes. I’m a bit sick, so I’ve been taking this Calpol,’ I tell her. ‘It’s really delicious. Don’t worry, I know it’s for under 6 years old, so I’ve adapted the dose.’ My new friend takes the bottle from me disbelievingly. ‘You know you would have to drink this entire bottle to get even one adult dose of paracetemol?’ she informs me. ‘But it’s so delicious!’ I tell her earnestly. ‘But you’re an adult,’ she replies. (My new friend is so perceptive. I think that’s why we get on so well- lots in common).

I change the subject. ‘How’s work?’ I ask politely. ‘Yes, good but busy. The poor nurses though are being run off their feet,’ she tells me. ‘I made them some tea.’ (My new friend is so considerate). ‘Did they like that?’ I asked. ‘Oh yes,’ my new friend replies. ‘One of the best ways to make friends with the nurses is to make them tea.’

Later, I call my other friend. ‘How was lunch?’ she asked warily. ‘Oh, very good,’ I said. ‘I’ve got something useful for you. For when you’re a proper doctor.’ ‘Um, you know that I am a proper doctor, right?’ my friend asks. ‘That’s why I’ve left medical school. And treat patients. In a hospital.’ ‘Oh yes,’ I say politely. ‘Yes, of course. But what I meant was, you know, when you’re a good doctor. Like my new friend.’ My other friend is less grateful for my newfound ‘make tea to win over the nurses’ wisdom than I expected. I am sure my new friend will be able to shed some light on the situation (my new friend is very wise).