I can’t be bothered to get into the details (it’s the lying contractors’ fault), but I am currently staying in someone else’s flat. The irritation and inconvenience of this is not to be underestimated. (For me, obviously. They are delighted to have me to stay). Let me explain. I don’t have a key. Last week (yes, I have been staying there for some time. Like the perfect guest) I left the flat and realised I didn’t have my oyster card. Did you know it cost £4 to make a single journey into zone 1? That’s quite a lot of money. I’m not sure the session with my therapist was worth it, to be perfectly honest.
There’s only one bathroom. So in the morning I have to loiter hopping from foot to foot while other people shower, then dash in to wee, and then dash out before anyone looks properly at my ‘not for other people’s eyes’ sleeping
attire. I then thoughtfully go back to sleep while everyone else leaves for
work. It is after this that I get my best snooping done. These people have a
lot of mouthwash, for instance. I try some, but accidentally choke a little. Luckily they also have a great deal of diet coke, which is handy.
I have packed a bag for my stay, but I have missed out a few essential items. Namely, clean clothes. I think the people in the flat have started to notice. I think this, because they have asked me repeatedly why I am wearing the same t-shirt every day. I try to draw their attention to my generous supply of contact lenses and the 3 books I have brought. They are oddly uninterested.
Last night at dinner I tried to show them my toe which has lost a toenail. They
were equally disinterested. The Telegraph’s survey stated that the most
irritating things for British people were ‘chavs’ and ‘people driving too close
behind you’. Clearly, they have not lived in a flat where the mouthwash was
dangerous and no-one cared about their naked toe.