Queen of the universe

Virgin Atlantic are to put “weep warnings” on tearjerker films shown on flights. This is excellent, because it proves without doubt that the world actually does revolve around me. I am eagerly awaiting further developments:

1. Supermarkets to offer pre-prepared shopping baskets. This will mean that all you have to do is walk into Tescos, pick up your basket and take it to the till. Inside your
basket will be a nutritionally balanced asortment of reasonably priced food.
You will arrive home to find you have actual ingredients that could conceiveably make a meal, rather than 4 different types of ketchup (bought for comparison testing purposes) and a tub of fresh mint (because it smelled nice).
2. Public toilets to make use of the expected waiting time display screens used by tubes and buses. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be public toilets. All toilets should use this. I will look into getting one installed in my flat immediately. ‘You will be able to wee in 3 minutes. Probably shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine’ etc.
3. All TV shows will be re-formatted with characters speaking in RP. This means I will finally be able to understand The Wire. I am thrilled. (No, putting subtitles on does not help. Speaking properly is not a disability. We are not to be pushed to the edge of society).

I would expand further but I’m afraid I have to rush off and patent my new tv remote (which only has one button yet always turns on to the best thing on tv at that moment. Which will be in RP, naturally).

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