Captain America

I’m personally a big fan of double denim (denim shirt meets denim jeans).

I also like hamburgers ( I would insert a picture but I fear for lunch I will probably be eating a slightly bruised banana and some baked beans so no need to torture myself. I would go to Tesco but I went there last week and was distracted by the ice-cream, spent £14 on ice-cream and had to jog home with the ice-cream slowly melting as it bashed against my leg). I like over-sized portions, I like Ray-Bans, I like the Dixie Chicks. Oh- and I like it when Americans pronounce their words all wrong (for the smug feeling of superiority, obviously.I’m just trying to reassert British dominance after the Space Race debacle). It’s Mawwwwwdalliiinnn, sillies. Please be logical. I like how Americans are simultaneously entirely unhampered by discretion and crippled with puritanical censure. This leads to brilliant scenarios such as American families, all dressed identically in ‘OUR FAMILY ARE WINNERS! YOUR FAMILY SUCKS! SUCK ON THIS, OTHER FAMILIES!’ t-shirts walking down Brighton Pier and gasping in horror at the friendly penis-shaped lollipops. My favourite thing about Americans, however, is their absolute and heart-wrenching belief in VIP status. This is the nation that invented the Fast Pass for Disneyland.

(The Fast Pass allows richer people to skip queues for rides). They created a VIP queue for children! This is fantastic! It really is never too early to learn that money can indeed ‘make dreams come true’. (Formerly ‘the happiest place on earth, Disneyland is now ‘where dreams come true’. I think ‘happiness’ was too inclusive). Last Friday I was invited to a private tour of the Tate Modern. Only Americans could find a way to PAY to visit a FREE museum. What can I say? God Bless America.

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