Catastrophizing (and Federer being my coach)

There’s something going on in my office. Luckily, I am too deep into the ‘Glee’ OST to worry about it. I am also mostly on the Kensington & Chelsea website, trying to find out if Federer is now offering cheap tennis coaching in Holland Park. This would be extremely handy for me. I’m a little lost, to be honest. Kensington & Chelsea have made me undergo a series of tests on their website. First, I worked out that although I would indeed like to be ‘Active for Life’, I could not currently participate in this program as I was a) not made of play-dough (all the images had play-dough people lifting balls and smiling), and b) not wildly obese (yet. If I don’t work out how to get my Federer tennis lessons I soon might be). So, first hurdle overcome, I kept on searching.I next found myself in the ‘Young People’ section, only to be told I was too old. Too old?! Well, my tear glands are certainly getting a workout. Anyway, I’m still hopelessly lost. Luckily, I’m keeping my cool. Now some people, when faced with these obstacles, would become dreadfully upset. They might believe that Kensington & Chelsea (voted skinniest borough in London for the last 5 years) was deliberately obstructing their path to tennis glory. I know better. Federer has clearly set up a ‘Goblet of Fire’ style competition to determine his rightful heir. As the new owner of  a pair of white knickers large enough to stuff tennis balls into, I am certainly it. (I am not actually sure how I came to own these knickers. I fear my cleaner has been doing her own laundry in my machine. I might have to write to Mrs Mills).  I hope that everyone has noticed, knickers aside, how calmly I have dealt with this situation. This is because I have not resorted to what psychologists call ‘catastrophizing’. This is an excellent concept. I will explain it*:

Imagine you wake up in the morning, and you can’t fit into your jeans. Now immediately, you will have several thoughts. Some people (you) will think ‘oh golly. I am terribly fat.’ This is unhelpful (now you’re silly and fat). Other people (me) will think ‘how funny. My jeans have shrunk.’ This is helpful (now I’m still slim and I have magic jeans. My day’s started excellently). So you see, while people who don’t understand catastrophizing** would now be looking at a tennis-less Summer, I am about to embark on a magical Summer of free tennis coaching with the man who has held on to the no.1 position for the longest time (in consecutive weeks). I will have to ask Rafa how to correctly tie my bandana.

*Feel free to follow all of my psychological advice. I’m pretty much a qualified therapist. And a doctor.

**There’s an app for that- Made by the nice people at happtic.


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2 responses to “Catastrophizing (and Federer being my coach)

  1. Moira O'Hara

    v funny especially the bit about your nickers

    are those the grey ones hanging on your radiator?

  2. Teddy Baker

    hahahahaha, rofl, gold

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