Tag Archives: child rearing

Eloise: my model for child-rearing

Yesterday, I acquired a 6-year old. I know the 6-year old, and her Mother was completely happy for me to take her, and I held her hand carefully when we crossed roads, and only permitted skipping on wide empty pavements, and she had a perfectly lovely time- only I’m not sure anyone else did.

I took her to the Godiva chocolate cafe at Harrods, because I have learnt almost everything I know about child-rearing from the Eloise books. It’s London Chocolate Week (which, as my friend pointed out rather unkindly, makes very little material difference to my own life, as ‘every week is chocolate week for you’), so it all seemed to make sense.

I dragged my unsuspecting friend along with us- who, to her credit, was extremely gracious and sanguine when greeted with my new, skipping appendage.

Godiva have just launched their new Christmas range, so obviously I tried them all. ‘I’m not a big fan of fancy chocolates,’ I mumbled with my mouth full of honey and salt-flavoured chocolate. ‘No,’ My friend agreed. ‘I can see that.’ I beckoned a waiter over. (It is amazing how easy it is to order when you are with a beautiful child. People are so smiley). ‘Could I please have a hot chocolate?’ I asked. ‘I don’t want a hot chocolate,’ The 6-year old piped up. The waiter looked concerned. ‘Oh no,’ I replied robustly. ‘Ignore that one entirely. She’s 6-years old.’

My hot chocolate arrived, and was placed in front of the 6-year old, until I swiftly removed it and placed it in front of myself. Except for the fact that Godiva is too fancy to put whipped cream on their hot chocolate, this was the best hot chocolate I have ever had in London. (The 6-year old, I’m sure, would agree if I had let her have any).

Equally, their chocolates aren’t half bad. ‘Ooh,’ The 6-year old begged. ‘Can we get that one?’ She pointed to their Royal Swarovski Box- an enormous, suede case covered in sparkling crystals in the Godiva emblem. ‘Look,’ She pointed out helpfully, opening its drawers. ‘There are loads of chocolates in this one.’ ‘Don’t be so childish,’ I snapped, using my spoon to dig out the very best bit of melted chocolate at the bottom of my hot chocolate. ‘If we get anything, it’s this milk chocolate reindeer figurine. Look at it, all smiley and wearing a scarf.’ ‘That’s not a scarf,’ The child replied loudly. ‘That’s white chocolate.’

As I said, she  had a perfectly lovely time.

(This article first appeared here: thelondonlook.com)

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Child-rearing expert (ME)

I don’t have any children (mostly, as my Mother is quick to point out, because no-one will breed with me), but I consider myself an expert on them. Well, perhaps not an ‘expert’, but certainly better than most actual parents. Let me explain.
I was on the bus. It was not a particularly long journey, but soon felt as though I was in a vehicle designed exclusively by Chris Rhea*.

‘Daddy,’ The little girl in front of me whined. ‘Why can’t we have ice-cream for dinner every night?’ ‘Oh,’ Her Father replied, chuckling. ‘Well, why do you think we can’t?’ ‘But I love ice-cream,’ The little girl replied. Her Father laughed, dotingly. Her Father is an idiot. All the little girl did, without pause (but to the continuous soundtrack of her Father’s proud laughter), was ask asinine questions. Now, everyone should ask questions. I’m not blaming the little girl in the slightest, who I began to see as a modern-day Matilda, trapped with her developmentally challenged Father.

Here were her questions. Please imagine them being spoken in ascending volume:

1. Why can’t we have ice-cream for dinner every night?
2. Why are we on a bus?
3. Why do I have to go to school every day?

Here are her Father’s answers:

1. Doting chuckle
2. Doting chuckle
3. Doting chuckle

Here are the answers I was frantically close to giving her:

1. Because you drip it everywhere whenever we let you have some. Also, have you seen the price of Ben and Jerrys? Do you not want to go to university?
2. Because you walk so infuriatingly slowly it is an occupational hazard to all other pavement users.
3. If I had to look after you all day everyday, I would surely kill you. Go to school, it’s for your own good.

Like I said, a child rearing expert.

*Artist, The road to Hell*

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized