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I hate nice

‘He is unfailingly nice,” my friend replied when I asked her about a mutual friend’s boyfriend. “Which I find alarming.” “I agree,” I replied.

There is something deeply unsettling about impeccably nice people. I say this not only because I myself would never be described thus, years of growing up alongside my entirely odd parents and a succession of less-than-normal Aussie nannies having put paid to that years ago, but because I truly believe that it is in people’s oddness that we find something to like.

The moments when I have felt true, almost painful love for the people I know have certainly not arisen from anything “normal” they have been doing. (To be fair, I doubt very much that anyone is struck with how much they love their friends whilst watching them rail futilely from the toilet about the lack of loo roll. But still.)

“Nice how?” I asked my friend, picturing scenes of unrelenting chair-offering and the giving-away of the last piece of cake.

“Just, you know, nice,” She replied. “All the time.” At this point another friend joined us. “What are you talking about?” She asked. “Niceness,” I replied gloomily. “Oh god,” She said. “I hate nice people. They make me feel deeply uncomfortable and when with them, no-one ever makes a decision, because they’re so busy considering other people’s feelings.”

“Excellent point,” I said, reaching over my friends to take the last canape. Having happily surrounded myself with oddballs and weirdos, I certainly don’t see any need to change things now.

Though given the subsequent look of anger and reproach on my friends’ faces, as I happily chewed away, I may be forced to.

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Assess your personality

My friend comes over for lunch. I open the door and welcome her graciously into my home. ‘Was your therapist busy?’ she asks, laughing. I glare at her. ‘No,’ she explains. ‘It’s just I’m sure you would have tried to get her to come.’ I continue to glare at my friend, and thrust a cocktail into her hand.

(I may be cross, but I’m still an impeccable host). ‘Don’t worry,’ my friend continues. ‘I’ve brought you a present.’ I am pleased, until I unwrap the Mensa personality test. ‘Assess your personality. Are you ready to face up to the truth?’ the strapline asks mockingly.

My friend is beside herself with mirth. I wonder what Martha Stewart would do in this situation. ‘I do not wish to take this test,’ I tell my friend firmly. ‘Please help yourself to my homemade canapés.’ (I expect Martha would also ask for some stock portfolio advice, but there’s only certain parts of her career that I wish to emulate). My friend is not to be distracted. ‘Look,’ she says. ‘Your therapist is never going to come over for a ladies lunch. I thought this would be useful!’ ‘Look,’ I reply firmly. ‘She won’t come over because she doesn’t really like to go out that much. I’m thinking possibly agoraphobia.’ (I recently realised that agoraphobia is not a fear of spiders. This has forced me to re-evaluate the plotlines of several novels. It is also the only rational explanation for why my therapist does not want to come over and hang out with me).

My friend seems unconvinced by my diagnosis. I offer her a napkin, because she is flaking pastry all over my kitchen floor. ‘Ok,’ I agree reluctantly. ‘Perhaps not full-blown agoraphobia. But certainly social anxiety. Or some sort of social ineptitude. She is terribly odd in our sessions sometimes. I wanted to record her and use her as stand-up material, but she wasn’t keen. Which is a classic symptom of a generalized anxiety disorder.’ (Whenever we holiday together I take the opportunity to brush up on my medical knowledge by reading my little sister’s medical textbooks. I’m pretty much a consultant. Though I’m not sure my prescribing powers are as recognised as they ought to be). ‘You know there are rules about these things?’ my friend asks me. ‘Therapists and boundaries and so on.’ ‘I see what you’re saying,’ I say sagely. ‘I need to be more subtle, so her other patients don’t realise I’m her favourite. Understood. We might have to have next month’s lunch in a smaller location though- you know, to help reduce her anxiety.’

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